The other day, a co-worker told me she overheard me talking to someone & she was amazed that I have done "so many things" in my life, especially because of my age.
This struck me as superbly funny, as I always feel I'm 10 steps behind on so many things; that I haven't seen hardly anything in this world; that I've missed out on things that I consider to be normal in everyone else.
I've never felt that I had done all that much. I guess all that I believed to be stunting me or causing me to miss other things, have given me unique experiences that are my own. These experiences have given me knowledge and memories that other people I think of as normal don't have.
I used to think of this negatively. Now I know that it's neither good nor bad, just different.
And even understanding this truth that has been staring me in the face this whole time, I still feel stuck.
Stuck in what? I don't know.
I used to think of my life as an average life. Nothing spectacular, nothing over-ambitious or exciting to anyone, sometimes barely even me.I was always too busy comparing myself to everyone else.
How do you get out of that train of thought?
I know that what I have is special. I know that I am EXTREMELY lucky for everything and everyone I have. I AM HAPPY.
I do not know when I got to be so selfish as to want more. I don't even know what else there is to want.
I don't think that this sort of selfishness is all that bad in the grand scheme of things.Wanting more for yourself and your family isn't always wrong. But I am disappointed that I've let it infiltrate my mind so much in the recent months that it hinders my attitude & my creativity.
There is nothing wrong with my life.
I am just feeling stuck. Or perhaps stunted...? I'm not quite sure.
What frustrates me most I think is my lack of drive. Not that I can't get driven, but that I never seem to feel a reason to be driven. I'm un-driven to be driven which is a wholly ridiculous concept in the first place. But somehow it's accurate.
I'm nearing 30, but I have no specific professional ambitions, I'm not committed to any idea of one place to be. The only things I know for certain are: I LOVE MY HUSBAND. I LOVE MY FAMILY. I LOVE FEELING FREE.
And that's about it. These are three WONDERFUL, and by no means small or insignificant, things to me. But sometimes I wonder, is that enough? In the long run, will it be all I need? Will I learn all I need to learn? Will I accomplish even a fraction of what I am capable of?
And if not, why is that?
There are so many questions, never enough time.
I keep reminding myself that I need to not worry about those things that I can't control, but I'm beginning to wonder if in my striving to follow this, am I actually neglecting that which I can control under the guise of telling myself I can't? Is it laziness? Depression? Ignorance? Or just plain denial?
Whatever it is, I'm stuck in it.